^^^^okay God just tell me what it is already!
currently: workin that 9 to 4 thing....thank god it's monday...needed back in a routine. jamming to some m83 #thanksapplemusic
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for those of you who may not know, I struggle with bipolar depression, panic disorder, and OCD.
{catch up here and over here}
****gasp! she really is a nutjob!***********
lol. but for real. bipolar depression sucks. it's like i'm on cloud 9 for three weeks. my creative juices are a'flowin, i'm so productive, life is just grand as if i'm wearing rose colored glasses.
then a dark fire is lit.
it starts out so slow i barely catch it. just a flicker.
but like a moth to a flame i can't resist following it.
it bellows through my home, my heart, and my mind.
the fire spreads and eventually i am calling in sick to work, cancelling fabulous plans i had made during the manic phase of my month, and resentfully playing with my bouncing baby boy.
thanks to a push from a good friend, i sought out a psychiatrist. i was already seeing a therapist but felt there may be something bigger than "just depression".
i met with him and he agreed, we decided to bump up my dosage of effexor XR from 75mg to 150mg.
i loathe this medication.
don't get me wrong, she works when nothing else has. she is the end all be all. the holy grail of anxiety/depression medication.
but she gets you physically addicted. to the point where if i miss even one dose, i am dope sick.
the withdrawals are terrible. i've never been addicted to something before and it sucks. my dr tells me not to worry that it's just discontinuation syndrome...but i know it's because my body craves the drug.
my brain doesn't though so that's why i'm not considered "addicted" to it.
anyway...we had the stomach flu {thanks noahie} over the weekend, therefore causing me to miss a dose. i slept most of the day sunday so i didn't even realize it had happened.
but this morning i woke up with the cold sweats after having an awful dream where i was married to someone that wasn't my husband. {withdrawal dreams are so vivid and scary.}
then i proceeded to avoid a panic attack by some deep breathing and usage of the abide app {it's an app full of prayers....so wonderful when i can't bring solid thoughts to the Lord on my own}
i sat down to meditate and just listen to a few prayers over and over. also changed the self-talk from "you suck you suck you suck" on repeat to "you are fearfully and wonderfully made" "keep it simple" and "take it easy"
i put out the fire today. thank you lord.
my dearest effexor:
i hate you and i love you.
xoxo
-m